Riverwind~Valley Clan(WIP)

[Riverwind]

...GENERAL...

Name: Riverwind
Name Explanation: Riverwind got her name because she had a blue pelt.
Gender:She-cat
Age: 10 moons
Clan: Valley Clan
Rank:Warrior(Deputy if possible)

...APPEARANCE...

Riverwind has sleek blue fur. Riverwind has alarming amber eyes that show off her fierce nature. Riverwind's fur is very thin, not good fur for leaf-bare. Her underbelly is more grayish than blue.

Fur and markings: Riverwind's fur is blue and she has no markings.
Eyes: Amber
Description: Riverwind is

...PERSONALITY...

Sandbreeze is mainly loyal, but a tad rebellious. She enjoys cheerful times, and is almost never negative. Sandbreeze also enjoys the open air, and hates darkness. Sandbreeze is also generally nice, and is energetic.

Personality Traits:
~Cheerful
~Rebellious
~Loyal
~Energetic
Fears:
~That something will destroy the sun and darkness will take over
Quirks: Definition: a peculiarity of action, behavior, or personality; mannerism.Sandbreeze always runs when it's nighttime.
Ideals: Sandbreeze's ideal is for war to end(Of course, that'll never happen)
Personality: Little Rebellious, pretty loyal, generally nice, and really energetic

...HISTORY...
Sandbreeze's life was standard. Like any other cat's.

Family and friends: Unknown
History: Sandbreeze was born, became an apprentice, and became a warrior. Nothing special.

...RP EXAMPLE...

Sandbreeze opened her eyes, to the light of the morning sun. Sandbreeze lifted her head, and took a look around the den. Everyone else was sleeping. Sandbreeze decided to go on a walk. Sandbreeze stood up in her nest, and walked carefully over the sleeping cats. The camp was as fine as it was the day before. Sandbreeze took a bird from the fresh-kill pile and ate quietly. She finished quickly, and walked out the camp exit. Then she broke into a run. Sandbreeze was built for speed. She was fast as a kit, faster as an apprentice, and even faster now, as a warrior. Sandbreeze stopped at the border. She was aware of the story of how one clan, split into two. Valley Clan, and Quake Clan. Sandbreeze wondered how treacherous that time was. Sandbreeze hoped Quake Clan wouldn't start a battle anytime soon. All Sandbreeze wanted was peace, but she knew trying evade a battle forever was inevitable.

[Queen Kitten]

First off I would like to point out that there is already a Sandbreeze on the site, who is deputy of Quake clan. Second, a 10 month old cat wouldn't be old enough to be a warrior let alone a deputy. You have in your title that it's a Snowpeak bio but put Valley under clan.
Your appearance isn't long enough. A paragraph is 5-6 sentences have three.

Your history is not long enough. Try naming family, friends, speak about how they felt for the first part of their life. Even if it was unremarkable your cat still had a history. How are they reacting to the earthquake and the separations of the clan? What are their dreams or ambitions?

You use Sandbreeze entirely too much when starting a sentence in you Roleplay example. Try and mix it up using she or her and other words. And try to put in some compound sentences. IE: Sense everyone was sleeping Sandbreeze decided to take a walk.
You use comma's in the wrong places. You don't need a comma before and.

Please make the appropriate changes.

[Riverwind]

I originally planned on being in Snowpeak, but changed my mind and forgot to the change the subject.
I never saw anything that told me I needed 5-6 sentences for that!

Fine. But I don't know who's in Valley Clan, and how am I supposed to ask people to be my charry's parents when there are no queens! I thought I included what Sand, whatever wants!

As for using my charry's name too much, seriously! I'm not the best RPer in the world! I've had roughly, a bit less than a year. Do you think someone gets it perfect during that time? Also, about the commas, gosh! I have to teach myself some of these things! Give me a break!

About the changes, I really hate the fact that this applications are hard to make.

[Queen Kitten]

Description: A paragraph or two describing the cat, including body type (tall, lanky, stocky, etc), fur, markings, scars, etc.

It is clearly stated in the bio form that it needs a paragraph.

I was not trying to attack your Roleplaying skills merely trying to help you. In my opinion roleplaying is all about improving your writing. As for family, you can make it up. They don't have to be dead. Several other members made up family members that may or may not be played.

I thought I included what Sand, whatever wants!
I'm not sure what you mean by this sentence here. I don't mind you using the prefix Sand but I would appreciate if you didn't use Breeze.

[Riverwind]

Ugh. This application is hard for me to complete! Ugh! I never liked the application part of joining....

[Queen Kitten]

I'll help you with whatever you need help with. You can pm me questions, anything.

[Riverwind]

Okay. I NEED HELP WITH THIS CRAZY APPLICATION!(Wow. Talk about caps abuse)

[Dawnwhisker]

You can PM me also if you need any help. Plus, might I add, you must respect the staff and their rules, meaning there shouldn't be any rudeness here. Whether you like the rules or not, you must respect them, because you are a member here. Thank you.

[Queen Kitten]

Riverwind has sleek blue fur. Riverwind has alarming amber eyes that show off her fierce nature. Riverwind's fur is very thin, not good fur for leaf-bare. Her underbelly is more grayish than blue.


Okay, here are some suggestions.

Riverwind's fur is a mild blue-gray. It is sleek but very thin which leaves her cold in leaf-bare. Her eyes are an alarming amber in color and show off her fierce nature. ect ect.

Add whether she is lean or bulky, thin or fat. You don't need too much more and you've done a good job so far.